Too protective of the heart

I've been thinking... mostly about my past relationships and past almost relationships, trying to figure out why I am the way I am.  All I can think about is the way I felt and how I acted.  Specific things like when I went to pick up one of my boyfriends from the airport... for days all I thought about was that moment and how excited I was to see him and how I wanted to run up to him, jump in his arms and kiss him.  Then when it came down to it I pulled the up to the curb and he jumped in the car.  How lame!  And this was a boyfriend, not just someone I was dating where you have to play all those, hard-to-get type games.  Yet I was still scared to show any true feelings.  This is how I have been with all guys.  I choke up.

Nothing truly traumatic has happened in my life to make me like this.  I have had my heart broken, been misled, had horrible games played with my head, but nothing out of the ordinary.  I have never been cheated on or broken up with for someone else.  I haven't dated any really awful guys, or been treated bad in a relationship.  I have just always been like this.  Scared to get hurt I guess, which is funny cause I usually end up getting hurt in the end anyway.  

If only I was one of those people who was fearless in love.  I WISH I was one of those people.  I am jealous of those people.  I even try to change when I am in a relationship completely aware of how I am.  I tell myself to just let go and act how you want to act... act how you feel, but I can't seem to do it. 

And I am so picky about the guys I date... and even pickier about the guys I have a relationship with.  You would think sense I rarely commit to a relationship that when I do I would be all out, pda, affectionate, loving, and carefree... but not so much.  Then again, maybe it is my inexperience with relationships that makes me like this. 

Review of Guns, Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond

Guns, Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond was one of the most intense, exhausting and interesting books I have ever read. It put all of the worlds history in 500 pages. I have always wondered what it was that made each culture the way they are and this book answered all of my questions.

Why did western civilization progress so much faster?
Why do we look the way we do?
What happened to make one civilization more powerful than another if we all started from the same place?

Questions like that were all answered in this book... essentially the answer is with guns, germs and steel, hence the title of the book.

Some of my favorite insights were about the initial movement of humans from Africa to what we now call Europe. At this point in time humans were already hunters, however the animals in the north had never seen humans before and therefore had not establish the instinct to fear them. So hunting in the north was essentially picking off the animals like sitting ducks and eventually the large game went extinct. Where as humans developed their hunting skills along with the animals fear in Africa, which is why there are still so many large mammals there. The animals going extinct in the north forced the humans to progress from hunters and gatherers to societies where individuals specialized in tasks for the entire society. And this is the stem of the western civilizations accelerated progress.

After traveling to Africa several times, I had always wondered what it was that made their societies progress so much slower. Some of their civilizations don't even have running water, where as Pompeii accomplished that in the 5th century B.C. more than 2000 years ago. It is really crazy to think about.

This book touches on so many subjects and cultures.. it really is a must read for everyone. I know it can get difficult and slow in parts, but it is worth it. Just push through it and get to the good parts. He has incredible insights into cultures that are overlooked in our world, and into the basic reasons of why we are the way we are... physically, mentally, culturally and biologically. If you have ever wondered why to any of those topics.. this book will have your answers.

LIfe of balance

"I want to learn how to live in this world and enjoy its delights but also devote myself to God"

Keutut said he could answer my question with a picture. He showed me a sketch he'd drawn once during a meditation. It was an androgynous human figure, standing up, hands clasped in prayer. But this figure had four legs, and no head. Where the head should have been, there was only a wild foliage of ferns and flowers. There was a small, smiling face drawn over the heart.

"To find the balance you want," Ketut spoke through his translator, "this is what you must become. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it's like you have four legs, instead of two. That way, you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. That way, you will know God."

This is a passage from the book, Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert when she met with a medicine man in Indonesia. I think it is a wonderful picture and explanation of something that I also struggle with.

Where is the balance between living your life for God and enjoying earthly pleasures, between devotion to God and devotion to yourself. I am far from the best Christian, I know this. I am too selfish and still very immature. I know the growth and changes I need to make in my life but I have failed to do so.

I guess, according to Ketut (which by the way would be so awesome to meet a medicine man like Ketut and for this and many other reasons I am completely jealous of Elizabeth Gilbert), I need to stay grounded while looking at the world through my heart instead of my head. Duly noted and applied... next step?

Two faces of volunteer work

Volunteering is probably the best and most rewarding thing you can do in your life.  I can't think of anything better than spending your life helping other people and getting to see the impact you have on their lives.  Plus you have the benefit of meeting some of the most amazing, interesting, and kind hearted people in this world. 

I spent six weeks volunteering at Malaika Kids Orphanage in Tanzania.  To sum up my trip i fell in love with 18 wonderful kids.  One of the hardest things I've ever had to do was leave them.  It thought seriously about taking one home with me but thought declaring a 50lb african child at customs wouldn't go over so well.  They were in a month and a half of my life and will forever be in my heart.  I only hope to one day go back to see them once again.  I will cherish ever memory I have of them.  

I have been to Africa once before on a mission trip to Swaziland and experienced the joy of volunteering.  The people were nothing but loving and appreciative and everything in the trip went smoothly.  This experience was some what different and I learned a different side of volunteering that no one really talks about.  

First of all Africa is anything by organized.  Even huge volunteer corporations have difficult times running smoothly to say the least.  There was no such thing as a schedule and the people who were in charge of the volunteer operations in the country were very unreliable and absent.  

Second, I started to become familiar with the way things worked in Africa.  At the orphanage there were two ladies that lived at the orphanage and did EVERYTHING!  They did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, got the kids up and ready for school and put them to bed at night.  They have no days off and hardly any down time.  They are paid $1 per day.  Absolutely ridiculous, I know.

Then there was Amita, the "manager" and "mother" figure for the children.  She was there five days a week from about 10am to about 3 or 4pm.  She spent her entire time at the orphanage sitting in a chair ordering the kids and workers around.  She was completely ungrateful of anything the volunteers did for the orphanage or the kids and further more assumed we would pay for things or buy things that were not our responsibilities as volunteers.  I am a recent college graduate who spent all my money to go to Tanzania, I came back broke and now in debt.  I do not by any means have a ton of money to spend.

I came to realize from my experience and experiences of other volunteers, that places in Africa that frequently get volunteers become so accustomed to receiving gifts and help that they come to expect it and loose the grace and appreciation.  

Just a warning for those who volunteer, because I know it is a lot of time and money, not all people that you meet and help are going to be the loving, appreciative and humble people that we always hear stories about.  And if you do have an experience like mine, you aren't the only one.

Review of The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis

I think every body knows about The Chronicles of Narnia where it would be a waste of my time to write a review, even though these reviews are mostly for me.  Basically C.S. Lewis is a genius and wrote seven children's books using a fictional world to explain his views about Christianity.  Let me tell you,  I had some very deep questions that were brilliantly answered through a children's story.  

First of all, even if you aren't Christian you should read these books if you are a child or like fantasy.  They are great fun and fantastically engaging.  

With that said, I want to point out some incredible insights that Lewis made in this series.  He did a beautiful description of the beginning and end of Narnia that was to symbolize the beginning and end of the earth as described in the Bible. 

Next there was a passage that gave the best answer to anyone who says that God doesn't exist.  In the book The Silver Chair, the witch is putting a spell on the creatures of Narnia trying to tell them that it doesn't exist and that Alsan (represents God) doesn't exist either.  One of the characters finally says to the witch:

"So I won't deny any of what you said.  But there's one thing more to be said, even so. Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things- trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself.  Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones.  suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world.  Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one.  Ant that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it.  We're just babies playing a game and can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow.  That's why I'm going to stand by the play-world.  I'm on Aslan's side even if there is no Aslan to lead it.  I'm going to live as a Narnian as I can even if there is no Narnia."

To the disbelievers... I say this is much the same way C.S. Lewis has described in his novel; I know there is a God and I believe in Him fully and will live my life as a Christian because even if it is all a "dream" and "made-up", its a hell of a lot better then a life with no faith. 

Another question that has taunted my mind has been whether Christianity is the only way to Heaven.  It's hard to be a true Christian and not believe that, but there are so many amazing people on this earth that aren't Christian and I couldn't imagine not going to heaven.  Well C.S. Lewis put it perfectly again.  He used a Calormen (non-Narnian who worshiped another God) as an example.  This man was a good man and spent his life worshiping Tash (who really was a demon) but doing good deeds in his name and spending his life in search for him.  In the afterlife he met Aslan and this is what happened:

"I am no son of thine but the servant of Tash.  He answered, Child, all the service thou hast done to Tash, I account as service done to me.  Then by reasons of my great desire for wisdom and understanding, I overcame my fear and questioned the Glorious One and said, Lord, is it then true that thou and Tash are one? The Lion growled so that the earth shook and said, It is false. Not because he and I are one, but because we are opposites, I take to me the services which thou hast done to him.  For I and he are of such different kinds that no service which is vile can be done to me, and none which is not vile can be done to him.  Therefore if any man swear by Tash and keep his oath for the oath's sake, it is by me that he has truly sworn, though he know it not, and it is I who reward him. And if any man do a cruelty in my name, then, though he says the name Aslan, it is Tash whom he serves and by Tash his deed is accepted. Dost thou understand child? I said, Lord, thou knowest how much I understand.  But I said also, yet I have been seeking Tash all my days.  Beloved, said the Glorious One, unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly.  For all find what they truly seek."

Wisdom like this is found on every page of this series and is good for children and adults the same.  It is a true classic that should be read by all.

Review of On Paradise Drive by David Brooks

On Paradise Drive by David Brooks is a novel about the culture and society of the United States of America.  It is insightful and passionate, but above all it was honest.  There is a trend or fad if you will, that is occurring in the United States today where it is rather "cool" to hate our country.  People think they are profound if they say things like "Our government is horrible" or "We just try to inflict our beliefs and power on everyone else" or "Bush sucks!".  Where there might be some truth in these statements it in no way encompasses what the United States is.  David Brooks has done extensive research on what it means to be an American and has written a book with humor and humility on the soul and spirit that drives our country.

People have different views on this subject that I am well aware of, but this is mine; I have done a fair amount of traveling and experience many different cultures.  I have been to Swaziland, Tanzania, Jamaica, Grand Cayman Islands, Mexico, United Arab Emirates, France, Italy, Spain, Switzerland, Austria, Czech Republic, and Germany.  Now I know this isn't all the countries in the world but it is a fair representation and from all that I have experienced I believe with all my heart that the United States is the best country in the world.  Before people get offended, because I am sure a lot will.. hear my reasoning.  I have loved and cherished every day that I have spent abroad and realize all the things that these countries can offer me that America can not as well.  Like the art and history all over Europe, the beautiful architecture and enriching atmosphere.  Or the simple but rewarding life in Africa where everyone is so warm and grateful.  Or the amazing technology and advanced engineering in Dubai.  But with all this I still feel so proud and blessed that I am a citizen of the United States.  

This is a country that was built on on Freedom and  dream of paradise.  There are things that our country offers that no other country can say the same.  America offers infinite possibilities... it is where dreams come true... it is where hard work pays off.  The United States is the only place where a black person and a woman would be able to run for president.  

Not only does this country stand for greatness and freedom, but the people of the United States are simply amazing.  They are the hardest workers with the longest work hours.  Where our government might not spend the most money on foreign development, our people donate more of their money and time to helping others.  My generation (teens and 20's.... yay for us!!) are breaking history with the amount of volunteer work that we do.  It is now uncommon to find an American in their teens or twenties that isn't or hasn't volunteered at some time or another.  Where one might say it would be to better our college applications and resumes that is not true.  There are now more people in our age group that are doing volunteer work that has no effect on their academic future.

I know people have problems with our government... especially our foreign relations, but I say to you; what country doesn't?  You will always find something wrong with any country, the powerhouse most of all.  

If you do have a grim view of the United States and its culture I beg you to read this book, because it is honest in its flaws and its strengths.  It brings to light the things that we forget about this country and explains it in the simplest form.