Too protective of the heart

I've been thinking... mostly about my past relationships and past almost relationships, trying to figure out why I am the way I am.  All I can think about is the way I felt and how I acted.  Specific things like when I went to pick up one of my boyfriends from the airport... for days all I thought about was that moment and how excited I was to see him and how I wanted to run up to him, jump in his arms and kiss him.  Then when it came down to it I pulled the up to the curb and he jumped in the car.  How lame!  And this was a boyfriend, not just someone I was dating where you have to play all those, hard-to-get type games.  Yet I was still scared to show any true feelings.  This is how I have been with all guys.  I choke up.

Nothing truly traumatic has happened in my life to make me like this.  I have had my heart broken, been misled, had horrible games played with my head, but nothing out of the ordinary.  I have never been cheated on or broken up with for someone else.  I haven't dated any really awful guys, or been treated bad in a relationship.  I have just always been like this.  Scared to get hurt I guess, which is funny cause I usually end up getting hurt in the end anyway.  

If only I was one of those people who was fearless in love.  I WISH I was one of those people.  I am jealous of those people.  I even try to change when I am in a relationship completely aware of how I am.  I tell myself to just let go and act how you want to act... act how you feel, but I can't seem to do it. 

And I am so picky about the guys I date... and even pickier about the guys I have a relationship with.  You would think sense I rarely commit to a relationship that when I do I would be all out, pda, affectionate, loving, and carefree... but not so much.  Then again, maybe it is my inexperience with relationships that makes me like this.