Best complaint letter EVER!

Seriously one of the best viral emails I have gotten in awhile. Freaking HILARIOUS!!! A must read for all women...

This is an actual letter from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . ..
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

We are lucky individuals indeed...

If you could fit the entire population of the world into a village consisting of 100 people, maintaining the proportions of all the people living on Earth, that village would consist of:

• 57 Asians
• 21 Europeans
• 14 Americans (North, Central and South)
• 8 Africans

There would be:

• 52 women and 48 men
• 30 Caucasians and 70 non-Caucasians
• 30 Christians and 70 non-Christians
• 89 hetersexuals and 11 homosexuals

6 people would possess 59% of the weath and they would all come from the USA

• 80 would live in poverty
• 70 would be illiterate
• 50 would suffer from hunger and malnutrition
• 1 would be dying
• 1 would be being born
• 1 would own a computer
• 1 would have a university degree

If we looked at the world in this way, the need for acceptance and understanding would be obvious. But consider the following:

• If you woke up this morning in good health, you have more luck that one million people, who won't live through the week.
• If you have never experienced the horror of war, the solitude of prison, the pain of torture, were not close to death from starvation, then you are better off than 500 million people.
• If you can go to your place of worship without fear that someone will assault or kill you, then you are luckier than 3 billion people
• If you have a full fridge, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are wealthier than 75% of the world's population.
• If you currently have money in the bank, in your wallet and a few coins in your purse, you are one of 8 of the privileged few amongst the 100 people in the world
• If your parents are sill alive and still married, you are a rare individual

And so....

WORK like you don't need the money.

LOVE like nobody has ever hurt you.

DANCE like nobody is watching.

SING like nobody is listening.

LIVE as if this was paradise on Earth.

(just one of those emails being sent around that I thought everyone should read... really brings your life into perspective!)

Playing for Change

One of my favorite charities at the moment! Using music to change the world... fantastic idea! I just love the concept of street performers from all over the world coming together to make one song. They are all amazing! This is a must see!!

The Buffalo Theory

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this ... a herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

My 25 Random Things... SUPER random!

... I was bored so here is my 25 things list... what can I say.. I have a lot of free time lately...

1. I cry anytime something remotely emotional is on the TV or in a book. I don’t even have to be invested in the show or movie like most people. Once I walked into the part of Mighty Joe Young (the giant gorilla movie) where he falls off the ferris wheel to save the boy and within seconds I was crying. What can I say... I can't help it.

2. I seriously wish I had magical powers whether it be a super power like in Heroes or the ability to do magic in like in Harry Potter... it has been a dream since I was a kid and has not gone away in adulthood.

3. I think waking up in the morning is one of the worst things in the world. I literally will stay in bed until it is absolutely necessary that I get up. I can look at my clock and think "Yes... one more minute"

4. The best story of my life happened in Europe when 3 old Italian men brought me to the world cup championship game. Yes I witnessed Italy beat France in 5 penalty shots. I saw the head-butt. I felt the intensity of the stadium. And my story actually spread around Europe. Weeks later I met some travelers on a night train to Switzerland who had heard my story. I am forever grateful for those men and the small fortune they spent on me that weekend. (I estimated it to be around $10,000 USD)

5. Traveling is my one true love. I feel more alive and more joy when I am in a different country having unique experiences in a new culture. As of now I have been to Africa twice, backpacked around Europe for a 3 months, Mexico, Canada, Caribbean, Dubai, and am going to Japan to spend a year teaching English. After that... South America.

6. I love Disneyland... and everything about it. I love the boys I go with and most importantly I love how we do Disneyland. Actually some of the best memories I have of our numerous Disneyland trips is sitting at the Alamo laughing at whatever ridiculous stunt Trumbo has gotten himself into. There really is no one in the world like jon trumbo.

7. If you see me at a bar I will be drinking a captain and diet coke.. it has been my drink since I started drinking and I haven’t gotten sick of it yet

8. I watch the newsies whenever I get sick and have had a crush on jack kelly since I was about 10.

9. Jeans and a sweatshirt is my favorite thing to wear in the world... ask anyone

10. I love to read… and have been reading a lot more since I graduated because I miss learning… I honestly miss spending long hours in the library studying… weird huh.

11. I do the crossword puzzle in the paper almost everyday and I am getting better!! I can now finish Monday’s and sometimes Tuesday and Wednesday’s!

12. I have always wanted to be in a food fight… the closest I’ve gotten is a frosting fight at my house with Carli, Lau, and Brittany, which turned into a mayonnaise fight. We ran out of frosting and Lau thought it was a good idea to then use mayo… lets just say it took a long time to get it out of my hair!

13. I hate mowing the lawn! My parents made me do it in high school and I think it is the worst chore ever and will never mow another lawn again!! (I would also like to point out that I had to use a lawn mower from the freaking 1800’s that took two people and a lot of stamina to start)

14. Someday.. after I have some kids of my own I am going to adopt a baby from Africa. (I want to have as many kids as I can afford so if I'm rich I'll have a very large family)

15. I went skydiving in Switzerland… beautiful and amazing!! After I thought seriously about becoming a skydiving instructor.

16. I use the symptom checker on webMD and believe it. I have been diagnosed with whooping cough, terminal lung cancer, heart aneurysm, and pancreatic cancer to name a few... I believed each one at the time... and still stand by whooping cough.

17. The ocean scares me... I dont think it is natural for things to be able to live that deep in the ocean and think they are probably creatures from the devil

18. I hate being tickled and think it is one of the worst forms of torture! No joke... but keep in mind that when I was a kid my friends brothers use to pin me down, tickle me and try to make me pee my pants... they never succeeded

19. In high school we use to make each other faint at sleepovers... it seemed like a good idea at the time and I actually have no idea how that started

20. I love getting together with my family friends and playing cards with the kids (well jen and the hedbergs)... I would rather spend new years in Tahoe with that group then anywhere else.

21. I could watch episodes of Friends all day and be completely happy…

22. I have a pretty obnoxious laugh... especially when something funny catches me off guard. And I confess a couple times I have laughed so hard I peed a little

23. I could sit and talk to Michelle in subway for hours and hours... actually I have and they were some of the best conversations I have ever had.

24. Freshmen year in college my boys came to visit me and after a humiliating session of "rag on Janelle" in front of my new San Diego friends we were in the elevator and Brian says this to me "you know how wolves pee on stuff to mark their territory and ward off other wolves... well that was us marking our territory... we were peeing on you” Since then every time they make fun of me, which is often, I think of that elevator ride.

25. I am truly blessed with the best friends ever. I have a few lifers I met in college who are fantastic... and my high school friends. the five girls who are the best friends anyone could ask for and 5 of the most amazing girls you will ever meet. I love them to death and thank God everyday that they are apart of my life. And my boys... and yes I call them MY boys because I claim them... in my mind they belong to me. I absolutely adore them and will love them my whole life.

Amazing Advice for Everyone

Everybody remember the sunscreen song?!? I really think it is some of the best life advice there is... if only I could follow it. Maybe you will have better luck. Watch, listen and learn!

Yes We Can!

Continuing with the patriotic spirit, I wanted to post this emmy winning video to my blog. Congrats... truly inspiring!!

The Essence of the Pledge of Allegiance

If you have forgotten what it means to be an American, just watch this interpretation of the Pledge of Allegiance.... amazing! I might love traveling to other countries and experiencing other cultures... but I lOVE AMERICA and am proud to be an American!

Loving this video!

Is hell exothermic or endothermic??

This is the best thing I have read in a long time! Would love to meet the student who gave this answer... what an interesting mind to know!

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and t he rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as soulsare added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell hasfrozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Ode to Collegiate Alcoholism

College students are truly a rare breed.  Week after week we put ourselves through the gauntlet of flip-cup tournaments, keg stands, ice luges, and power hours only to pass out briefly and wake up at obscene hours of the morning to re-fuel our still intoxicated bodies with a few more beers all in the name of tailgate.  We also lack any legitimate sense of time.  We "pre-drink" until 11:00.  12:40 classes are "early".  We know 1:30 am as "last call" because we have been going to the bars since we were 17 with fake I.D.s.  There is a day of the week referred to as "Boozeday".  

We college kids undoubtedly have a subculture unto ourselves.  Some people play basketball, we play beer pong.  Some people wait all year for Christmas or Thanksgiving, we wait all year for St Patty's Day, New Years Eve, and Superbowl Sunday.  Some drink orange juice for breakfast, we throw back a Bud Light because we hear its a good cure for that hangover.  We can turn anything into a drinking game.

We live in our own world, a world where junble juice seems like a good idea, being awake at 4am is normal, "wanna do a body shot" is a sufficient pick-up line, and 21st birthdays are an entity unto themselves.  We have become aware that alcohol makes us say, do, and wear things that would, in a sober state, be out of the question.  Watching our friend make out with a stranger in front of cheering spectators is raw comedy, kegerators become the greatest invention the world has ever seen, and we "discover" things that seem utterly amazing.. like malt liquor... and Beerios.

We nickname our beers.  If we're at the bar and we ask for a "Beast" or a "Natty", the bartender knows what we're talking about because he's probably in college too.  We have drunken alter-egos and we name them.  A few shots down the hatch and we suddenly turn into "Rico Suave" the tequila-chugging wonder... We are experts at Kings, never running out of tricky categories or a clever rule.  We draw on the faces of passed out friends, we know that empty fifths make great decorations in our apartments and we have done a "shotski".

We make friends while we are drunk and we assign them an adjective that will forever precede their name in order to distinguish them from the rest of the "friends" we make while drunk (also because we do not know their last names)  "Sloppy Tom", "Chicago Sarah", and "Creepy Steve" will always be near and dear to our hearts.

We have no money because we spent it all on beer.  This, unfortunately, is also why we drink Povov and Crazy Horse, and trust us, that takes heart.  It grows on us after awhile... or after we've taken too many shots to remember that what we're drinking tastes like gasoline.  The lack of money situation is also why if we see someone sipping a corona, they are a baller and we will make friends with them.

After a long night of bonging beers at a house party, bravely resisting the urge to drunk dial all of our ex's, then going shot for shot with a frat boy at the bar, we wake up hugging an empty box of wine, in our underwear, on our best friends kitchen floor with a million questions running through our pounding heads.  We wake up with random incoherent numbers in our cell phones, random pictures in our cameras, a mere 73 cents left in our wallets, and a desperate desire to lay in bed for the rest of our lives... it is then that we swear off drinking forever... for real.. we really mean it this time...

Yet, after shotgunning a brewski or two and kickin back with a 40, we head to the shower, beer in hand, and get ready to begin our evening once again.  It takes balls, simply put.  We know how to party.  We have honed and perfected our art.  We are lushes, bar stars, and boozehounds.

Why do we act this way you ask?  Because we can.  Because in 4 short, blurry years we will have to enter the "real world".  So for the time being we will live it up.. As long as there are beers to be drank and shots to be taken, we will be there... as long as there are case races to be won and frat houses to be passed out in, we will be there... as long as there are tables to be danced on and annoying eighties songs to sing loudly along to, WE WILL BE THERE!.... but we're not gonna lie... we probably won't remember it.

NOTE: I did not write this... but I think it is too good not to post.  I fully agree with every world... and I am now past that period of my life and entering the real world and hate it! How I wish I could go back to the time in my life where I had the most freedom and the least amount of responsibility!

Sometimes I wish I was a Badass

I'm sure I am not alone in this wish.  There is something universally appealing about being a badass.  Maybe it is the unwavering respect from... well everyone.  Or the feeling of dominance and power...  of being completely confident in any and every situation, knowing that there is nothing and no one that can thwart you.  Haven't you ever wanted to walk into a room and have everyone be somewhat intimidated by your mere presence?  Or the ability to stop a fight just by showing up because you are the ultimate badass.  

And this could also just be an instance of me wanting what I can't have.  Considering my birthplace, background and upbringing... it is a guaranteed impossibility that I would have ever ended up as a badass.  But a girl can dream...

Empathy

I think if I were born into a supernatural world... I would have been an empath. One who could feel the emotions of the people around them. I am oddly tuned into the emotions and feelings of others and I not only know what they are feeling, but put myself in their situation and actually feel what they are feeling.

I am known by all as the emotional television watcher... I cry at anything. But to explain why I am so emotional in television programs, I need you to understand that I am not only sympathizing with the characters like most emotional viewers.. I am empathsizing with them. For example, and this is quite embarrassing, but when I am watching TV and something emotional happens to the characters... like they get their heart broken... I honestly feel like someone just broke my heart and then the tears come. I absolutely have no control over it, I can hold back a bit around others (when I am alone it is all over) but basically the crying is involuntary.

Another example, if a character breaks his or her arm and is screaming in pain... my arm will start to tingle. It is truly bizarre! A character could lose a loved one.. and in turn I feel like my loved one just died. I mean really, what IS that?!?! It happens in real life as well... not just by watching television. I feel what those around me are feeling. It is like woman intuition and sympathy multipied on steriods!

So again I would like to state, that had I been born into a world of magic and supernatural powers... this would have been mine: the power of empathy.

Tickling is not fun... its torture

Ok people... it is time to get this one thing straight, because I fear most of the world is severely mistaken.  Tickling is NOT fun... it's pure torture in one of its worst forms.  Do not take this lightly because it is not a joke.  For those of you out there that bear the burden of being as ticklish as I am, you know what I'm talking about.  The unfortunate result of being tickled is laughter, and here lies the foundation of your confusion.  The tickler... or torturer if you will, sees the victims uncontrollable laughter and thinks he/she is having fun or God forbids... enjoys it.  This assumption would of course fall under every other instance of laughter and can understandably be confusing to those who have never felt the wrath of being tickled.  But I say here, now, take this with you for the rest of your life... tickling is the one exception to the rule of laughter.  Do not be fooled by this cruel distraction, outside you might see all smiles and joy, but inside we are slowly dying, suffocating, writhing with pain.... and can do naught but wait for the torturer to end this misery... unable to defend ourselves.  So I ask you, nay I plead you... next time you intend to tickle someone... ask yourself these two simple questions; 1) is this person a friend or an enemy... and 2) do they deserve the impending torture I plan to inflict on them?